What Went Wrong!

Index

Reading Instructions

If you have viewed this page for the first time we suggest that you read the complete page, staring at the INTRODUCTION below until you reach the end. The Index above will allow you to read individual paragraphs. This should be used for reference or research purposes only. Each paragraph has a red diamond icon to return to the index. We hope you find the information valuable. The article is a guide to raising children in a healthy and stable environment and also provides information on how to rectify and create an environment for the sufferer to recover in.

Those that suffer from a Psychological Eating Disorder may find the information on this page valuable to recovery. It details information on the development of life skills from a child to an adult. In reading the various skills you may well discover things about yourself and your upbringing that need attention. You may also discover the need for intense psychotherapy. You will also recognize that the food and weight issue is only the tip of the iceberg.

Introduction

There are a number of learning theories. These theories can be divided into three groups. The first, being from habits. When a child learns they connect a stimulus and a response that did not exist before, thus forming a habit. Habits can range from the simplest to the most complicated ones. When a child meets a new problem they use appropriate responses that they have learned from past experiences to solve them. If this procedure does not lead to a solution they use trial-and-error as an approach, often using one response after the other. In some instances they may not find a satisfactory solution. In such a case certain types of stimulus-response methods called behavior modification may help change habits.
The second is stresses cognition (The act of knowing) over and above the importance of habit. This approach emphasizes the importance of learning as understanding concepts and ideas. This allows the learner to discover and perceive new relationships and achieve insight and understanding. The third is humanistic theories. According to this theory much learning results from the need to express creativity. Creativity may be expressed through almost any activity such as sport, academics, art and others. Challenging activities and the desire to do well at them, results in satisfying life skills. The individual gains a sense of control, growth and knowledge from the above activities. In order for the process of learning to occur, people must feel free to make their own decisions. They also must feel self worth, relatively free from anxiety, self respect and be respected by others. Under these conditions their own inner drives will lead them to learn. It is important to increase a child’s awareness of their own thoughts and those thoughts of people around them.

If a parent or both parents are excessively anxious and one or both parents are perfectionists then their behavior will expose certain responses that a child will inherit. Sadly I have seen over the years how many parents are in denial in regard to being over anxious just like the sufferer denies the illness. Perfectionism often leads to obsessive behavior and over anxiousness leads to insecurity. Both lead to emotional turbulence. Children at young age believe that their parents are rational and as they get older they would adapt their parent’s behavior.

At around the age of eight, children develop their own identity and it is during this period that they gain independence, self confidence and develop their own healthy emotional tools to deal with their own emotional feelings. Very often when the family is exceptionally close with little or no boundaries in addition to emotional turbulence then children inherit distorted think patterns. This often initiates in the early teens and very often it is not diagnosed or even sheltered by parents. Over protectiveness and rigid boundaries may also cause insufficient or unhealthy coping strategies in later life. Children that are raised in a dysfunctional environment are vulnerable to the control of others and sadly allow themselves to be abused, mentally, physically and sexually. Sadly they believe that they deserve this type of punishment as they are bad people. Because of their nature they defend the concept of their parents, once transformation occurs they realize that there is much beyond the food and weight issue that needs to be addressed. I believe that most parents are not to blame for the illness. However parents should take an objective view of themselves, their own thoughts and feelings, seek professional help and most important accept responsibility. It is not advisable to make comparisons within the family and substantiate the inability to accept by justifying that only one child in my family has a psychological eating disorder, all the others are well. Each person is an individual with different needs and requirements. It is important to understand that anger is a form of denial. It is easier to blame someone than accept personal responsibility.

The Family
A family is a group of people who live together and have developed strong emotional bonds. Whether they are primary positive or frequently conflictual. We think of a family as a unit by effective emotional ties and a sense of responsibility which one member feels for another.

Although they live by a set of established rules, relationships and behavior in the family unit are never static. Rules change over time, they vary in response to the outside world, taking into consideration the needs and age of the family members.

The Bonding of the family
The freedom to express both positive and negative feelings openly and honestly within the family is very important. If feelings are not expressed honestly and openly then they tend to become suppressed. It is important to note that strong feelings do not simply disappear if left unexpressed or unheard. Family members need to share joy, sadness, affection and anger. The need to express anger is a normal situation in any family. Families also need to have quality time together. This alleviates stress within the family environment. When there is tension in the family this needs to be addressed. This helps family members to understand each other and shows concern about their emotions and responses. It also provides optimism and humour within the family. It teaches family members to find solutions to differences.

Boundaries
Every family has a boundary around the family unit. But there are also invisible boundaries within the family. Ideally parents are responsible for the executive functions in the family. In most cases they run the family in a way by which they have been taught by their parents. If the rules and boundaries are not stable and there is little or no consistency then the family members become confused. If a parent or both parents are over anxious or the parents have an unstable marriage then you may well find the eldest child taking on the adult role, taking care for the younger siblings in priority to their needs as a teenager. Adults that focus all their energy parenting to the detriment of their marriage are making their children responsible for their parents. An over involvement between a parent and a child might also compel that parent to become part of the child’s substructure instead of being the parent to the child.

Communication
Communication with the family needs to be clear and honest.
What is interesting is that body language carries more weight than words. One visually looks at the posture of a person speaking as being open and relaxed, closed and angry. Should a person be sitting at the edge of a sofa, fidgeting and wringline their hands, anxiety is obvious even without a word being spoken.
Communicating involves more than just talking. It requires listening, understanding and being understood. Sadly we often expect others to understand what we are saying without attempting effective communication.
Communication often becomes illogical when someone does not communicate clearly. Therefore one should always verify what was meant before jumping to conclusions. When you communicate it is important to be open and honest, to speak clearly using easily understandable words and sentences. Remember successful communication means that you will avoid misunderstandings, confusion and hurt. It also avoids an unfinished conversation.
Negotiating in healthy families finds solutions to family problems. This process involves hearing what is being said, and finding solutions to problems. Negotiating can be fun and rewarding.

The power in the family
Children learn by modeling on their parents. However what is important is that children should be allowed to make choices which are appropriate to their level of development. Both the parents and children need to be and feel responsible for their own thoughts, feelings and behavior. It is a known fact that when parents are in agreement with the nature of power in their relationship the children feel more secure and will be more willing to accept the limits set by their parents.

Independence
Independence encourages individual members of the family to function independently and feel comfortable about taking on their own initiatives. A healthy family provides an environment in which the parents can guide their children while encouraging them to become emotionally independent.
In order to enable children to achieve this, parents have to demonstrate their own individuality and ensure that they have a satisfactory relationship.
During early childhood children must be encouraged to make decisions and this must be at levels that are appropriate to their age, taking into consideration their skills, intellectual and emotional maturity. Children need to be helped to become independent and to make responsible choices. Without this important experience they will develop emotional immaturity, become anxious, depressed and even behave in damaging ways.

The belief system
A healthy family has a clear and mutual belief system. This includes a strong value system by which each individual member of the family lives their lives. This includes their religious and cultural background.
Often parents have a different belief system with regard to some issues. One must understand that children have also the right to choose their own beliefs as well as those that their parents have taught them. As long as the family maintains internal stability and parents accept their child’s belief system then differences are tolerated. Healthy and open communication often assists in maintaining stability. The development of a healthy belief system is important to the development of emotional growth. We are each responsible for our own belief system and no one other than ourselves can change that. If the belief of parents is different to those of a child and the parents try and succeed in enforcing their beliefs on a child then they are doing serious emotional damage. A child must develop his/her own belief system. This is often from advice from their parents and from outsiders. Advice is not forcing someone into believing what you think is right, it is sharing what you believe as being right but allowing the child independence of thought. When children fail, offer support rather than telling them ‘I warned you now look what you have done’. This phrase is often used when parents are unable to cope with the situation and become extremely anxious. The damage of such a remark and the impact on the individual is emotionally destructive with severe consequences.

The life of the family
Families move through different stages. Adjusting to each stage causes stress in most families. Healthy families will experience these times as periods of re assessment and growth. If the family members work towards the establishment of a healthy equilibrium then the new stages can be accommodated. If however, the new stages cannot be accommodated then stress levels will increase and difficulties will arise. Adolescence will need to negotiate separation from the family. This is whether they leave the home or not, they have the need to develop a new identity as a mature adult. They need to form intimate relationships with others and begin assuming the behavior that society demands from adults. A close enmeshed child will find it extremely difficult to separate and develop close relationships with others. Therefore a close family without any boundaries is unhealthy. It is also important to understand that the adolescence child needs support from their parents encouraging greater individuation at the same time allowing them to separate from the family. They need freedom to move around the family boundaries.
Mothers that suffer from severe anxiety with a low self esteem and who have not been working during the childbearing period will find it extremely difficult to re-enter the labour market, or engage as a individual in any meaningful way with the outside world. If there are problems in the marriage, a mother might hang on to her children for emotional support. One particular child often becomes the mother’s confidante and support system. Should this happen, the child and others in the family will find it extremely difficult to separate. They begin to feel responsible for the parent when it should be the other way round. One must also understand how this unhealthy closeness will affect the future marriage of the children.

The community
Healthy families participate in the communities in which they live. Ideally the family has primary positive relationships with a range of outside interests. This includes their peer group, religious groups, educational institutions and more. If the family is dysfunctional then these relationships often break down. When circumstances as such arise, the child often vulnerable seeks acceptance. In order to be accepted they form negative relationships, often with groups abusing drugs, alcohol and sex. A healthy family aims for positive relationships within the community, rather than investing its energies in relationships that are more destructive.

Culture
Culture plays an important part in the family dynamics. Each country has a predominant culture and each family also has their own. Part of our culture is inherited from our parents and is retained throughout generations. Although we learn our culture from our parents they may change depending on the predominant culture of the country in which we live. If you were born and raised in Greece and migrated to the USA, then your children would adapt the predominant culture is the USA which is western culture. Although they would retain some of their parent’s culture, they would be more inclined towards the culture of the west. Often without realizing, parents are unable to understand the behavior of their children that have adapted the culture of the country in which they were raised. Culture also varies over the years with many modifications.
Children learn about values and beliefs before and round the age of five. As teenagers they may rebel against their parent’s beliefs. During this period they form their own identity, and make their own decisions. If they allowed this freedom they normally return to their roots later in life. However if parents force their culture on their children during this learning period they can be certain that their child/children will rebel. Some parents send their children to schools that are culturally orientated in an attempt to allow for religious and cultural education. Although this helps to retain culture it is not the school system alone that guarantees this.
Parents educate their children as to what is right or wrong. Children may hear something that contradicts what their parents have taught them. Although they may sometimes discuss this with their parents, they may also experiment and find it out for themselves. If you live in a Muslim dominated culture it would be sinful to move in with a partner before you were married. However, if you stayed in the USA it would not be regarded as being sinful. As a parent you have taught your children values, religion and culture at young age, what they do later in life with what you have taught them is their responsibility and it is important for parents to respect their children’s decisions and love them unconditionally.
Values and beliefs are integral to the maintenance of a cultural identity. They provide a sense of being connected with the past and the future. This cultural identity can provide a sense of belonging to a group which may offer considerable security and affirmation which we all need.

Overprotection
Parents must understand that they violate their children’s rights for independence and self determination by doing the following; checking on them, constant ally reminding them, coaxing them and doing things for them even when they themselves are capable of accomplishment. By behaving in this way parents imply that they do not believe their children are capable, nor able to learn from experience and are good enough to do things in their own way or in their own time. These parents assume the child’s responsibilities for themselves, so that the children become convinced of their own worthlessness. These types of parents mean well but they control and dominate, overprotect and often pity their children, failing to respect them or teach them to respect others.
If parents believe that children must become responsible adults then they must allow their children to make decisions and experience both the negative and positive consequences of their behavior. They must trust them to learn from their experiences. They need to respect their children and teach them to respect others by being firm, but not domineering. Firm parents are firm about their own rights and do not deprive their children of theirs. Through this the child’s self esteem and sense of responsibility grows. A typical example would be. If a mother does not allow her daughter to go into her room and open the make up draw without permission then the mother has no right to go into the child’s room and take something out of the child’s draw without the child’s permission even at young age. If your child does not succeed as being a cheerleader or making the basketball first team or participating in a ballet stage show, then allow your child to deal with their own emotions. Don’t interfere nor tell the child that he/she is better than the ones that were selected. You will deprive your child of learning coping strategies.

Guilt
Guilt is a very strong and destructive emotion and often leads to serious counter emotions. An example would be when both parents decided to give their child a new sound system for their birthday. Several days later it was discovered that the child has not helped with the household chores.

The parents confront the child and say. ‘We bought you an expensive present for your birthday and you cannot be bothered to help in the home.’ You are using the expensive sound system as a weapon of guilt to substantiate your anger. Did you give the gift with strings attached? Another scenario would be when a sibling lends another her disk man and that child asks the other to lend her a hairdryer and she replies ‘No’. The sister responds by saying ‘Give me back my disk man’. This type of behavior is often heard in families and stems from parents taking away gifts in response to certain negative behaviours. The idea in the first scenario would be to make the child feel guilty for not helping in the home. The second scenario would be to make the one sibling feel guilty because she lent her the walk man. In both cases, none of the children would feel guilt; they would choose the emotion of anger. In the first case the child would believe that you have given the present with strings attached and that’s being unfair and in the second the sibling who borrowed the disk man would rationalize that a disk man is not a hairdryer and because you lent me your disk man I am not compelled to lend you my hairdryer.

Therefore in both cases the predominant emotion would be anger, which is justified. Therefore it is important that parents behave in a civilized manor and do not lower themselves to a child’s level. Secondly it is important for parents to educate their children to understand that if one lends something, it is not a condition for another to lend back.

Guilt is also sensed by parents when disciplining their children. Discipline is a necessity in educating children as to what is right and wrong. In order to feel rational you must believe that you or your spouse is disciplining the child for the correct reasons and that discipline is part of their upbringing and leaning process. It is essential that when a child is disciplined both parents are in agreement with one another. If parents are not consistent with one another they will confuse the child and it may happen that the child looses respect for a parent. In fact even if one parent is not in agreement with another as to the discipline then it is best to accept the situation, discuss the matter and reach a compromise behind closed doors.

Self Esteem
What should be understood is that much of what individuals believe about themselves derives from their own experiences. If a family remains supportive and encourages believing in oneself regardless of any difficulties that are experienced, then a child can develop a healthy self.
If a child fails at his task and the family continues to love unconditionally then that child will continue to feel worthwhile. The measurement of a self esteem varies from person to person. Because of this some members in a family may have difficulty in separating the problem from the person. One must understand that the lower the self esteem the more difficult it is not to take a disagreement as personal rejection.
A strong self esteem is mastered during early childhood. It is either improved or damaged by the way in which the family functions. Experiences outside the home such as schools, the workplace and friends can either enchant or undermine the self worth. However it is a known fact that a strong self esteem is determined by the individual’s internal world and the immediate circle of the family.

Stress
Everyone experiences stress at some time in their life, whether from situations of their own making or from external souses. All changes and experiences cause stress, but the point is how we tolerate and cope with stress. We know that stress also produces physical symptoms, such as nausea, headaches, aching muscles, heart palpitations and indigestion. Stress also affects behavior and moods. Some become depressed, fearful, angry and helpless. Children experience stress in very much the same way as do adults. They become depressed or misbehave. Stress can be seen as either challenging and motivating or overwhelming and anxiety provoking. It is when the later is experienced that a problem develops. Significantly what one person experiences as challenging is seen by another as overwhelming. Each of us possesses our own level of tolerance. The greater the intensity and duration of stress the more severe is the anxiety.

We create our own stress by what we believe. Therefore we are responsible for the stress that perceive us and for this reason we must accept personal responsibility and not blame others. If we are able to change our beliefs then we could considerably reduce out stress levels. However this does not diminish the fact that the experience remains the same but rather that we have tools to influence our reactions to the experience.

Some of us believe that we should be thoroughly competent, adequate and achieving in all possible respects in order to be a worthwhile person. This belief may make one fearful of beginning or completing a new task. Therefore you would assume that you are not entitled to make mistakes not admit any difficulty in handling the situation.
Others believe that they should be dependant on others and require someone stronger on whom to rely. For those who believe this, it would be stressful to function independently or allow others to depend on them.

Some people believe that one should become upset over the problems of others. These types of people take on the world’s problems, leaving them unable to say no to anyone. Another common belief is that there is invariably a right, precise, and perfect solution to human problems and that it is catastrophic if this perfect solution is not found.

Some of us believe that unhappiness is externally caused and that they have little or no ability to control their sorrows. This kind of thinking suggests that you have no ability to control your feelings.

Further some believe that if something is dangerous or fearsome one should be terribly concerned about it and keep worrying about the possibility of it occurring. Associated with this is the belief that it is easier to avoid than to face life’s difficulties and responsibilities. These are common excuses for procrastinating and hence we compound the stress.

In order to reduce ones stress levels it is necessary to look at our beliefs that are causing the level of stress, and then to begin to reduce these.
An example would be that if you calculated that it would take you thirty minutes to drive to your client in rush hour traffic and you find out that it took you much longer then you are likely to become agitated. But if you had taken into consideration the rush hour traffic you could have left earlier and arrived calm and relaxed. Therefore you could have changed your stress levels.
Another technique in managing stress is to divide your priorities. Visualize yourself succeeding at specific tasks and set yourself realistic goals in terms of completing these. If you are faced with an enormous volume then it is far easier to become overwhelmed and then procrastinate.
Remember it is wise to approach manageable tasks because it is less stressful. Focus on the present, worrying on the past and the future will make the situation worse. Handle one problem at a time.
If you doubt you ability, you lack the confidence to begin with. When you decide on a solution act on it, rather than waste energy on worrying about it. Never blame others for your problems this causes frustration and compounds stress. Learn to accept the inevitable daily crisis which occurs in every ones life. Physical exercise alleviates stress, eating correctly and maintaining healthy diet is of benefit. It is essential to look at pressure as a challenge and an opportunity towards growth and progress. Our lives will never be stress free so it is vital to find ways to cope with stress more effectively.

Families are also exposed to external stress, such as unemployment, medical conditions, traveling and more. All people need to develop healthy tools to deal with stress both as individuals as well as families. It is within families that members learn to have faith and confidence in themselves and it is the task of all families to build the self esteem of their members. If people believe in themselves, their ability to cope in the broader community will be significantly easier.

The attitudes that you choose to carry in life have a major impact on such important consequences as how happy you are, or whether you realize your goals. For example, if you choose to persist in life, you will likely one day reach your goal. However, if your attitude is to give up after initial attempts, your path to your goal may be more likely thwarted. Thus, the following advice tries to summarize some of the major attitudes that people should generally try to hold, but are generally neglected by many people. It may not be possible to follow these guidelines all the time, but definitely attitudes to strive to achieve are rewarded.

Don’t blame others
Learn from your mistakes and any other lessons that you experience. Many people have excuses about their lives. They don't do this because of this. They didn't do that because of that. They blame their parents. They blame their teachers. They blame the traffic if they are late. They blame everything and everyone they can—except themselves, of course. If you have a car accident, although it may not be your fault try take responsibility for what you could have done to have prevented it. Things like, driven slower, kept more distance, not stopped so suddenly etc.
However, one should really be looking at ourselves, and say, "Hey, I do not need to make up an excuse. I do not need to be late going to this appointment every time. I can solve this problem of being late. I can be on time by writing down in my agenda that I will set my alarm the night before, get up on time with time to spare, and arrive on time. Others may even be astonished at my transformation.

Don't Criticize
Criticizing other people or things just for the sake of criticizing is a waste of time. If you can change a situation, change it; if you can't, don't complain.
Of course, you may want to discuss with a friend the problem you are having. Doing that is perfectly legitimate because it makes you feel better after sharing a problem with someone. Once you have discussed this problem, try to move on to more constructive problem solving instead of complaining and criticizing in front of everyone how horrible the boss is, or how you hate the traffic layout in the city. Do something about it instead of complaining. If it serves no purpose, do not complain. Even if it does serve a purpose, such as if you do not like someone playing loud music, you should frankly address the problem with that person instead of complaining.
Some people constantly complain about certain individuals to others. However, this does nothing to solve any problems unless, as mentioned above, you would like this confidant to help you with your problems. Still other people find faults in the most trivial of things. Again, this is an extremely bad habit that must be broken.

Perfectionism
Perhaps the reason that so many people watch professional sports is that when a team wins, it makes them feel wonderful. During the period of the playing however, the viewer was passive and did not really have to engage in much work or sweat. Thus, it was not hard work. It was easy work, but yet it made them feel so happy if their team wins. However, if you are willing to accomplish hard work, and not easy work, for your own benefit as well as for the benefit of society, all will improve for both yourself and society.
While you work hard, remember to AIM FOR HIGH QUALITY, NOT PERFECTION. Perfection may be almost impossible with no meaningful ending. However, performing high quality work, doing the best you can, is attainable for everyone. If you enjoy calligraphy, challenge yourself to write even better every time. Put in some more toil. Put in some more time. Slowly, your skills will gradually improve. Your toil and sweat will eventually pay off. Not all of a sudden of course, but through days, months, and years of hard work, you will one day notice, "Wow, I really like that penmanship of mine." And it was not because you tried to perfect your penmanship, but because you tried to make it the very best you possibly could.

DON'T NECESSARILY FOLLOW TRENDS.
Following popular trends is one of the worst aspects of popular, modern culture and the media; when many people do one thing, other people follow suit, such as watching a film, reading a book, or owning a digital camera or fax machine (for those of you who don't know or were not born yet at the time, the fax machine used to populate many households, but is now gradually being replaced by the computer). Instead, you should learn to judge for yourself and decide whether you should follow suit; you do not have to do it just because other people do it. Have some character. Do things once in a while that others don't do, and don't always do things that almost everyone else is doing.
If you do not enjoy traveling, you do not need to travel just because everyone else in your office travels whenever they go on vacation. Just be yourself.
Of course, we are not saying that all popular culture is bad. If you like to follow trends, that's fine. But, as mentioned, you must decide for yourself why you are doing a certain thing. Are you watching the latest movie because you are afraid you will miss out if you don't, that you'll miss some important life lesson, that you have nothing more constructive that you can do with your time? Or, are you just going because everyone else is going and saying it's good, and then you're thinking that you need to watch it too? Sorry for sounding a bit extreme, but sometimes, you must rethink your priorities, look at the big picture, and determine whether you really should continue to do the activities you have been doing all your life.

DON'T YEARN.
Many people envy other people, they can do this, and they say other people have this, while they don't have any of that. However, this is not a healthy outlook on life at all. When they are thinking this, they often neglect that other people have their own problems. There is always a negative side to each story, and forgetting this can make people unhappy because they feel that other people are always better off than they are. However, it is much more constructive to enjoy the things that you like in your life and then take actions to improve upon the areas in which you feel miserable. Taking these actions will already be major steps in accomplishing your goals. This is much more useful than yearning about things that you have no control over such as other people's lives.

A SENSE OF MODESTY.
One should definitely be confident, but unfortunately today, there are too many arrogant, vain, and smug people around. Much of this probably resulted from accumulating much wealth, and thus they feel that they do not have to be humble. However, humility is one of the best and most admirable qualities of a human being. But why bother being humble? By being humble, one can learn more and feel that the knowledge that you have to date is adequate. At the same time, though, you will also feel that you can always improve upon what you know, or learn from others the way to accomplish a certain task.
How, though, does one behave arrogantly? Examples are that one person makes another feel superior. This is often practiced by some doctors, religious people and people of wealth and government officials. (It's important to feel worthy and capable, for that leads to a strong self-confidence. However, one person is definitely not superior to someone else even if one is a professional and another person is not; the professional athlete may be playing to win and make money, while the other person may simply be playing for pleasure, both may already be playing their best). This feeling of superiority is often displayed in statements that downgrade other people without reason. There should always be room for learning from others, from listening to others' viewpoints, from accepting others' beliefs, from changing your own beliefs about certain issues, and from admiring the capabilities of others and perhaps learning from them. That way you can learn and improve to be become a better person for the tomorrow. Life is an ongoing learning process and never stops.

Peer Pressure
You often hear advertisers say you have to do this to maintain your position, or go one-up in this "competitive world." Well, it is true that competition serves an important role, for it forces you to reach a higher, new level. However, it would probably be less stressful to think of it as self-improvement, rather see it as an increasing of your own capacity and potential for accomplishment. That would be a more reasonable way to look at it because there will always be competition, and the competition will probably always do it better than you.
Even if you were the best, you may some day be replaced by a more efficient methodology. So, the thing to do is simply to try your best in whatever you may be engaging in, it is important to enjoy what you are doing, and feel a sense of accomplishment simply because YOU have completed a task, or perhaps because you have started a project that will be carried on by others.

Whenever you are a new hand at a task that you have never accomplished before, you will of course have your disappointments. What is important, though, is that you have a competent mentor, someone who is able to guide you. In today's age there are vast information resources available whether through the internet, television, or other such media, it may be relatively easy to find a mentor. Even if you can't find one in person, you can use the advice that those mentors give in their books, tapes, or writings, and take it to heart. For other endeavors, such as a technical profession, you may need a competent mentor in-person, which would be wise for you to invest your time to discriminately choose a suitable supervisor, boss, instructor, or company to work for.
What is also important is to work hard (as mentioned) and also to reflect on what you have done so that you learn from your work and experience. Eventually, with this combination of a competent mentor, continually working hard, aiming for high quality and NOT perfectionism, then your attitude will certainly reflect on your work, do not doubt your abilities they will eventually be valued by others.

The attitudes you have will follow you wherever you go. Make wise choices about what attitudes you would like to embrace. Choose ones that will expand and fulfill your life.